After the Affair: Dos and Don'ts #2

DON'T Make Any Big Decisions Right Now

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When I discovered my husband's affair, I wanted to light all of his shit on fire in our front yard right after he'd left for work. Next, have a clown serve him divorce papers at his office, while singing a song (on a loud speaker) announcing his cheating ways. Finally, I wanted to turn off my phone, move across the country without notice, and never speak to him again.

It felt like a pretty sound plan to me. I fantasized about how he would react to coming home to an empty house, not being able to reach me after being served divorce papers in front of all his coworkers. The idea of it made me feel powerful and unaffected.

I'd show him, I thought to myself.

What I hadn't yet realized, however, was the plan I was conjuring, while it would certainly result in an Oscar-winning film script, was an emotional reaction to the deep pain I felt.

Yes, I wanted him to feel the embarassment I felt

Yes, I wanted him to feel my pain, ten-fold

Yes, I wanted the world to know what a horrible husband he was

But, the biggest yes of all was that I just wanted the pain to go away.

That's it. It sounds so simple, and it is. But it's also impossibly complicated.

And, that's where #2 of the Dos and Don'ts comes into play. As hard as it might be to hear right now, emotions are not facts and we often cannot trust them, at least not immediately following a blow like discovering your partner has been unfaithful. You might hate me right now, seething through tears, livid that I - a woman who has gone through such a betrayal - could spew such nonsense. If that's you, I want you to know I was there too. Although, I was livid at my therapist for suggesting such ludicrous shenanigans. My emotions were my truth. I didn't have any other truth to trust. My entire life had just blown up in front of me without warning. What the fuck else was I supposed to trust?

The point of not making any big decisions is precisely because you don't know what to trust. Emotions scream for retribution. Bigger, better, badder revenge. But where would that leave you? Momentarily satisfied, and then deeply grieved with the despair you'd tried to expel with revenge. Unfortunately, the pain stays. It is yours, no matter what you do, the pain remains.

If you want to see whether your marriage can survive the betrayal, it is important to agree to stick it out until the emotions start to settle. Now, before you jump down my throat, like I wanted to jump down my therapist's, I want to reiterate what I am NOT saying.

I am not suggesting that you:

• Pretend you don't have feelings and that you are unaffected by your partner's betrayal

• Deny your experience through this process

• Forgive your partner

What I am saying is that by not making any big decisions you both set a boundary for yourselves and for your marriage. With the help of a licensed therapist, you can and should experience and express the emotions that surface for you. No one has ever healed by suppressing feelings. You need to feel them and your partner needs to know what the betrayal has done to you.

A skilled therapist will help you navigate your emotions, communicate with your partner, and learn to understand what exactly you need from yourself and your partner in order to rebuild trust.

Over time, for us it was six months, we decided that we did want to stay together and to fight for our marriage. We began to learn how to hold space for one another's experiences without becoming defensive. It is amazing how capable of growth we are if we can take a step back, take a deep breath (or several), and become curious about our situations without judgement. It's a practice that is lot easier said than done, and in my next blog post, I'll share what worked for us and how we learned to trust the process.

Wrapping this beautiful mess up with a bow, I want you to know that I see you. I may not know what you are feeling, or exactly what you are experiencing. But I do know the pain and deep anguish of betrayal, and I applaud you for the hard work you are doing.